Dear Parent of a College-bound Child.

In the past five years or so I’ve noticed a marked increase in calls and visits I get from parents on behalf of their child. I’m not talking about the my-child-was-in-an-accident-and-won’t-be-there calls. I’m talking about the I-have-a-couple-questions-about-the-syllabus kind of calls. As a mother myself, I feel ya. If my son wasn’t taking responsibility for himself, I would feel very tempted to jump in. College can be intimidating, for everyone. There’s a lot of new stuff going on, less restrictions, more independence. A lot of important decisions get made. The stakes are higher.

However, there is a time and a place for you to let your child begin to rely on themselves, and that is college. That doesn’t mean that you aren’t a guiding force, but when your daughter wants to find out if she can miss a test because you’ll be on a family vacation, have her call me. It’s nerve wracking, but that’s life.

But if YOU call me there is a whole series of events that take place. First, I can’t talk to you. Unless your child has signed off that I can have a discussion with you about their grades (whether or not you paid for school), I can’t talk to you. I can’t even acknowledge I have your child in class. This isn’t me being a jerk, this is me complying with FERPA. It’s the same everywhere. But you then force me to have to tell you that I can’t talk to you and that is always awkward and leaves me feeling vaguely like military intelligence.

Other things happen though. And I’m going to be frank because I want you to know how strongly I feel about this. This next part is the reason why I am writing this post at all. When you contact me on behalf of your child, I am forced to conclude one of two things. 1). Your child is lazy and I will have less respect for him/her. 2.)Your child has a horribly overbearing parent and I will feel sorry for him/her.  There’s no way for both of you to come out looking good and there is a good chance neither of you will.

I am treating the students in my classes like adults. So when a call from a parent comes in, I am always surprised. Just don’t do it. Find him the number, heck, dial it, but hand him the phone. Could they screw it up? Sure. I guarantee they will. But failure is a great teaching tool and bad decisions are part of growing up, and you have better things to do! I promise. He’ll be fine. She’ll be fine. Professors are basically nice people and working with students is our job.

Tags: calling, college, parents, professors, university